Ever think, "I need help"?
Honestly and truly, no one can parent a child without support from family, friends, or professionals.  You might be looking for playdates.   You always need someone to brag to, get advice from, or vent to without feeling judged.  However, when the pressure of parenting is really on, you also might have a hard time remembering or figuring out who you can turn to for support.  The exercise outlined below leads you through a simple listing and categorizing exercise that you will be glad to have the next time parenting pressure builds up and you need some tender, loving care.

1.  Get out a clean sheet of paper and create a list of all of the family, friends, and professionals that you believe care about you and your family.  Don’t forget parents of other children; friends both far and near and new or old; professionals (doctors, nurses childcare workers or teachers); members of your faith community; and co-workers.

2.  At the bottom or on one side of the same page, write the items from the “Type of Support” section in the following table.

Type of Support

P—Play date  - Who does your child like to play with?

B—Brag to  - Who are the people who will celebrate the small milestones in your child’s life?

V—Venting without feeling judged  -  Who are the true friends that know when you are just blowing off steam?

D—Date night - Who in your life has the flexibility and love for your child to offer you a “kid-free” evening?

S—Baby sit for afternoon - Who could offer a hand if your child is sick and you have to go to work, or you just want to go to the grocery store alone?

A—Parenting advice  - Don’t forget www.sixtysecondparent.com

H—Hand me downs  - Are there other families with children older or larger than yours that you could ask for gently-used clothing?

3.  Next take the support item “Play date” and consider each person that you listed.  Put a “P” next to his or her name if you feel that he or she could offer you and your child a play date from time to time.  (for example:  Sally—P) Using the same method, work your way through the key with each person on your list.  Several people may have more than one letter next to their name, which is great.  (Sally—P, V, and H)  Before you finish, consider whether there are other items that you might add to your type of support list.

4.  Keep this list somewhere that it can be easily found when you feel overwhelmed or just in need of some cheering up.  Sometimes it is simply good enough to look over the list and be reminded that you do have a network of caring people who are there if needed.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Source: Buncombe County Department of Social Services (Asheville, NC).

Taking responsibility for something we have done wrong does not come naturally.

Part six - Accepting consequences

Teach your child the following four parts of accepting consequences:

1. Look at the person.
2. Say “Okay” and remain calm.
3. Carry out the consequences.

Here are a few words of advice:

• My husband has worked at colleges for 18 years and can quickly tell which college freshmen have learned the art of accepting a consequence.  Taking responsibility for something we have done wrong does not come naturally and yet our children will need to do so effectively their whole lives.  Anyone gotten a speeding ticket lately?
• The past three skills worked on the premise that you will teach your child skills.  So when he failed to put the skill into practice, you taught the skill again as the intervention.  At some point, you will come recognize when your child obeys because of lack of practice or willfulness.  If you decide that your child has willfully disobeyed you, you need to begin teaching him how to accept an appropriate consequence.  
• Just to get it out of the way, appropriate consequences do not include:  spanking, slapping, pinching, shaking, pulling hair or arms, pushing, and jerking.  Verbal abuse, such as being sarcastic or threatening, is also not allowed.  Last, putting anything in the child’s mouth, such as soap, pepper, Tabasco, a washcloth, is not allowed.  (I am glad that’s over with.)
• So when a child willfully disobeys what he has been taught, you need to teach him how to accept a consequence.  Following the steps above, you might say the following.  “Charlie, you need to accept a consequence for going outside without permission.  I want you to look at me while I tell you what you need to do.  After I tell you your consequence, you need to stay calm, look me in the eyes, and say ‘Okay.’  Then I want you to go do it right away.”
• It is important for the bond of love and respect that you and your child carry out this interaction calmly and respectfully.
• As you well know, the higher goal of parenting is to find your child behaving well and reinforce that…we also know that sometimes a logical consequence is needed.
• The logical part of logical consequence is crucial.  If your child spills crackers on the living room floor when he been taught to keep food in the kitchen, he needs to clean up the crackers and not have his bowl refilled.  A timeout is an acceptable consequence, but not a logical one.  Logical consequences are not always apparent and that is when tools such as time out come in.  The child’s age determines the length of the time out (1 minute for a one year old, 2 minutes for a two-year old, etc.).
• As the child gets older, you can give him an opportunity to ask you for permission to discuss the consequence later if he disagrees.  However, at first, your child needs to master calmly accepting the consequence and doing it right away.  Hang in there!

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Source: www.professionalparenting.org

To a large degree, the social emotional needs of gifted children are the same as those of other children.

The same developmental stages occur, though often at a younger age. Some needs and problems, however, appear more often among gifted children.

Types of Problems

It is helpful to think of the needs of gifted children in terms of those that arise because of the interaction with the environmental setting (e.g., family, school etc) and those that arise internally because of the very characteristics of the gifted child.

Several intellectual and personality attributes may characterize gifted children.

• Uneven Development. Motor skills, especially fine-motor, often lag behind cognitive conceptual abilities, particularly in preschool gifted children. These children may see in their "mind's eye" what they want to do, construct, or draw; however, motor skills do not allow them to achieve the goal. Intense frustration and emotional outbursts may result.
• Peer Relations. As preschoolers and in primary grades, gifted children (particularly highly gifted) attempt to organize people and things. Their search for consistency emphasizes "rules," which they attempt to apply to others. They invent complex games and try to organize their playmates, often prompting resentment in their peers.
• Excessive Self-Criticism. The ability to see possibilities and alternatives may imply that youngsters see idealistic images of what they might be, at the same time they may put themselves down because they see how they are falling short of an ideal.
• Perfectionism. The ability to see how one might ideally perform, combined with emotional intensity, leads many gifted children to unrealistically high expectations of themselves. In high ability children, perhaps 15-20% may be hindered significantly by perfectionism at some point in their academic careers, and even later in life.
• Avoidance of Risk-Taking. In the same way the gifted youngsters see the possibilities, they also see potential problems in undertaking those activities. Avoidance of potential problems can mean avoidance of risk-taking, and may result in underachievement.
• Multipotentiality. Gifted children often have several advanced capabilities and may be involved in diverse activities to an almost frantic degree. Though seldom a problem for the child, this may create problems for the family, as well as confusion when decisions must be made about career selection.
• Gifted Children with Disabilities. Physical disabilities can prompt social and emotional difficulties. Intellect may be high, but motor difficulties such as cerebral palsy may prevent expression of potential. Visual or hearing impairment or a learning disability may cause frustration. Gifted children with disabilities tend to evaluate themselves more on what they are unable to do than on their substantial abilities.

External Problems

A lack of understanding or support for gifted children, and sometimes actual ambivalence or hostility, creates significant problems.

Some common problem patterns are:

• School Culture and Norms. Gifted children, by definition, are "unusual" when compared with same-age children--at least in cognitive abilities--and require different educational experiences. Schools, however, generally group children by age. The child often has a dilemma--conform to the expectations for the average child or be seen as nonconformist.
• Expectations by Others. Gifted children--particularly the more creative--do not conform. Nonconformists violate or challenge traditions, rituals, roles, or expectations. Such behaviors often prompt discomfort in others. The gifted child, sensitive to others' discomfort, may then try to hide abilities.
• Peer Relations. Who is a peer for a gifted child? Gifted children need several peer groups because their interests are so varied. Their advanced levels of ability may steer them toward older children. They may replace peers by reading books. Such children are often thought of as "loners." The conflict between fitting in and being an individual may be quite stressful.
• Depression. Depression is usually being angry at oneself or at a situation over which one has little or no control. In some families, continual evaluation and criticism of performance--one's own and others--is a tradition. Any natural tendency to self-evaluate likely will be inflated. Depression and academic underachievement may be increased. Sometimes educational misplacement causes the gifted youngster to feel caught in a slow motion world. Depression may result because the child feels caught in an unchangeable situation.
• Family Relations. Families particularly influence the development of social and emotional competence. When problems occur, it is not because parents consciously decide to create difficulties for gifted children. It is because parents lack information about gifted children, or lack support for appropriate parenting, or are attempting to cope with their own unresolved problems (which may stem from their experiences with being gifted).

Preventing Problems

• Support for Parents. Parents are particularly important in preventing social or emotional problems. Teaching, no matter how excellent or supportive, can seldom counteract inappropriate parenting. Supportive family environments, on the other hand, can counteract unhappy school experiences. Parents need information if they are to nurture well and to be wise advocates for their children.
• Focus on Parents of Young Children. Problems are best prevented by involving parents when children are young. Parents particularly must understand characteristics that may make gifted children seem different or difficult.
• Educate and Involve Health-Care and Other Professionals. Efforts should be made to involve such professionals in state and local meetings and in continuing education programs concerning gifted children. Pediatricians, psychologists, and other caregivers such as day-care providers typically have received little training about gifted children, and therefore can provide little assistance to parents .
• Use Educational Flexibility. Gifted children require different and more flexible educational experiences. When the children come from multicultural or low-income families, educational flexibility and reaching out may be particularly necessary. Seven flexibly paced educational options, relatively easy to implement in most school settings are: early entrance; grade skipping; advanced level courses; compacted courses; continuous progress in the regular classroom; concurrent enrollment in advanced classes; and credit by examination. These options are based on competence and demonstrated ability, rather than on arbitrary age groupings.
• Establish Parent Discussion Groups. Parents of gifted children typically have few opportunities to talk with other parents of gifted children. Discussion groups provide opportunities to "swap parenting recipes" and child-rearing experiences. Such experiences provide perspective as well as specific information .

Author: Webb, James T.
Source: ERIC Clearinghouse on Disabilities and Gifted Education Reston VA.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Here are some clear guidelines for teaching your child to follow instructions.

Following Instructions, Part Three

The first core skill is “Following Instructions.”  Teach your child the following three parts to following instructions:
1.    Look at the person.
2.    Acknowledge the instruction, say “OK.”
3.    Do it right away.

The following guidelines should help you get started:

• Be clear with your child about what you are doing.  You might say, “Cassie, I am going teach you about how to follow instructions.  I have three steps to remember, listen because I want you to say them back to me.”
• Once he or she can say them to you in order, start to practice.  Ask your child to look at you (asking for eye contact) and then ask her to do something simple.  Wait for her to respond with “OK,” and watch her go off to do it (right away).  
• If she forgets a step, prompt her with the right words and go on.  This can be fun.  Ask her to get your slippers and put one on your head.
• Later when a real-life situation arises that requires your child to follow instructions, before giving the instruction, ask your child if he remembers the steps of following instructions.  Review, if needed.
• Two things to keep in mind regarding eye contact.  In order to have eye contact when giving instructions, you need to be in the same room with your child.  (Obvious, I know.) The days of yelling from another room are over.  Also, you will need to think twice before giving instructions.  Be sure that you really need her to do the task before giving the instructions.  Too many instructions (unnecessary ones) can be counterproductive.
• Acknowledging with an “Okay” assures you that your child has heard you.
• Doing the task right away, avoids the child not obeying because they forgot the request.
• While you are instilling this core skill, you do not need to think about consequences.  The assumption is that your child needs ample practice recalling and doing the skill.  Simply having her recall the steps to you out loud is a sufficient consequence in the beginning.
• After lots of instruction, you may feel that your child is acting out of defiance.  At this point, you need to start collecting ideas from friends and professionals about logical consequences.  (Accepting those consequences is the fourth skill.)

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Raising and nurturing a gifted child can be an exciting yet daunting challenge. Unfortunately, these complicated little people do not come with instruction manuals.

Gifted children develop cognitively at a much faster rate than they develop physically and emotionally, posing some interesting problems. For example, ideas forged by 8-year-old minds may be difficult to produce with 5-year-old hands. Further, advanced cognition often makes gifted children aware of information that they are not yet emotionally ready to handle. They tend to experience all of life with greater intensity, rendering them emotionally complex. These children usually do not fit the developmental norms for their age; they have more advanced play interests and often are academically far ahead of their age peers. The brighter the child, the greater the potential vulnerability. Therefore, parents who are aware of the inherent developmental differences of their children can prepare themselves to act as their advocates.

Recognition

Some of the earliest signs of giftedness include:

• unusual alertness in infancy
• less need for sleep in infancy
• long attention span
• high activity level
• smiling or recognizing caretakers early
• intense reactions to noise, pain, frustration
• advanced progression through the developmental milestones
• extraordinary memory
• enjoyment and speed of learning
• early and extensive language development
• fascination with books
• curiosity
• excellent sense of humor
• abstract reasoning and problem-solving skills
• vivid imagination (e.g., imaginary companions)
• sensitivity and compassion

If a child exhibits a majority of these characteristics, parents may wish to have the child assessed by an experienced examiner to find out if the child is gifted. Firstborn children tend to be recognized more often than their siblings. When one child in the family is gifted, it is quite possible that others may also be gifted. Early identification is recommended (ages 3 through 8) because it permits early intervention, as important for gifted as for any other children with special needs.

Responsive Parenting

Children learn first from their parents. Parents who spend time with their gifted child are more able to tune in to their child's interests and respond by offering appropriate educational enrichment opportunities. It is important that parents read to their children frequently, even when the children are capable of reading to themselves. In the early years, parents can help their children discover their personal interests, expose their children to their own interests, and encourage their children to learn about a wide variety of subjects such as art, nature, music, museums, and sports. Children who are attracted to a particular area need opportunities to explore that field in depth. Home stimulation and support of interests is vital to the development of talents. Following the lead of the child will help the child flourish.

Family Relationships

Gifted children often can exhaust and overwhelm a new mother and father. Gifted infants often sleep less than other babies and require extra stimulation when they are awake. It is helpful to have extended family in the home, grandparents who live nearby, a close community of friends or relatives, or a teenager in the neighborhood who can spend some time with the child so that the primary caretakers can get some rest to do other things. For single parents, such support is particularly important. From the time they can talk, gifted children are constantly asking questions and often challenge authority. "Do it because I said so" doesn't work with these children. Generally, parents who take the time to explain requests get more cooperation than do more authoritarian parents. If these children are spoken to and listened to with consideration and respect, they tend to respond respectfully.

As children get older, a family meeting can be a good way of sharing responsibility and learning negotiation skills. Family meetings can provide a forum where children have a voice as a family member, and provide avenues for avoiding power struggles that otherwise can occur. It is important for gifted children to feel emotionally supported by the family--even when there are disagreements.

School Placement

Gifted children generally benefit by spending at least some time in the classroom with children of similar abilities. Their educational program should be designed to foster progress at their own rate of development. Parents who become involved with the school can help administrators and teachers be responsive to the needs of these children. Open, flexible environments provide students with opportunities for choices, and enhance independence and creativity.

Early entrance or other forms of acceleration may be considered when the school gifted program is not sufficiently challenging or when there is no opportunity for gifted children to be grouped with age peers who are intellectually advanced. Early entrance is the easiest form of acceleration, academically and socially. It may be best to accelerate girls before third grade or after ninth grade, when they are less bonded to their peer group. Boys are usually more willing to skip grades at any point in their school program. When a child expresses a willingness to be accelerated, the chances are good that an excellent social adjustment will be made.

In the preschool and primary years, mixed-aged groupings are beneficial, as long as the gifted child is not the oldest in the group. Gifted, creative boys are often held back in the primary years because of so-called "immaturity"--the inability to socialize with age peers who are less developmentally advanced. When a 5-year-old boy with an 8-year-old mind cannot relate to 5-year-olds, nothing is gained by having him repeat a grade: he is then a 6-year-old with a 9-year-old mind trying to relate to 5-year-olds! The best solution is to find him true peers--boys his own age who are intellectually advanced. Retention is NOT recommended.

Parent Advocacy

Gifted children need strong, responsible advocates, and parent groups can make a difference. It takes persistence of large groups of parents to assure that provisions for gifted children are kept firmly in place. Parents of children who are gifted need opportunities to share parenting experiences with each other, and parent groups can provide a place where that can happen.

It is important for parents of any children with special needs to meet with the teachers early in the school year. When parents and teachers work together, appropriate programs can be developed and problems can be caught early. It is helpful for parents to offer to assist their child's teacher by making or locating supplemental materials, helping in the classroom or library, offering expertise to small groups of students, or finding others who can provide other enrichment experiences. Effective parents stay involved in their children's education and informed about gifted education in general. When a teacher makes a special effort to understand or assist a gifted child, a note to the teacher or to the principal is generally appreciated.

Conclusion

The key to raising gifted children is respect: respect for their uniqueness, respect for their opinions and ideas, respect for their dreams. Gifted children need parents who are responsive and flexible, who will go to bat for them when they are too young to do so for themselves. It is painful for parents to watch their children feeling out of sync with others, but it is unwise to emphasize too greatly the importance of fitting in. Children get enough of that message in the outside world. At home, children need to know that their uniqueness is cherished and that they are appreciated as persons just for being themselves.
Author: Linda Kreger Silverman
Source: ERIC digest

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

As your child learns to care for himself, he begins to take responsibility for his own health and well being.

When he learns to eat healthy snacks, bathe himself, and even blow his own nose, he initiates acts of independence that can establish a healthy lifestyle.  So there is value in pausing now for sixty seconds or so to think about what self-care skills your child has learned and needs to learn.  

The skills listed below build during your child’s preschool years.  They develop in small steps with a lot of coaching and practice.  Sometimes it can be tempting to just keep taking care of your child’s teeth and hair combing because it doesn’t get done “right” unless you do it yourself.  However, it is important to remember that you are your child’s first teacher with the goal of imparting a life-long set of abilities and values to your child.  Early on, you will share the responsibility for most of these skills with your child; but, ultimately, you will want your kindergartner headed off to school self-sufficient in most of these areas.  

Nutrition: Eating, Snacking, and Drinking

• Give a simple kid-friendly reason why feeding yourself and making good food choices is important.  There’s no need to go into vitamins and carbohydrates. You could say something like, “Eating good food keeps you strong,” or “Good food helps your eyes and your nose work,” or “When you eat good food, you have lots of power in your body.”
• Consider keeping a plastic container in the refrigerator with healthy snacks for your child to choose from.  You can take it out and let her make a choice without overwhelming her with choices or leaving the refrigerator door open.  A non-refrigerated drawer with healthy snack options is good too.

Grooming: Bathing, Brushing teeth, and Combing hair

• Give a simple kid-friendly reason why keeping a neat appearance is important. Avoid giving a judgmental reason like, “People who don’t take a bath everyday are nasty.”  You could say something like, “Being clean feels great,” or “Your teeth can hurt if they stay dirty too long,” or “Neat hair makes you look nice.”
• Around four and five, start giving your child specific bathing instructions.  Emphasizing starting at the top of her head and working your way down.  This is to make sure that a she does not wash her body and then her face—which could spread bacteria into her system.

Health Prevention: Toileting, Blowing nose, and Washing hands

• Give a simple reasons how good habits can keep you from getting sick.  You could say, “The toilet is the clean place to put pee-pee and poop,” or “Using a tissue keeps you healthy,” or “Washing your hands rinses germs away.”
• If your child starts a nose-picking habit, diligently have him wash his hands every time you see him pick.  The interruption from what he is doing is a logical consequence for an unhealthy behavior and reinforces that hand washing is health prevention.  This should interrupt the behavior and stop a cold from spreading.

Remember that your child internalizes your values largely through observation.  So take a moment to think about what you believe, do, and say regarding healthy eating and exercise.  What can you start doing to model how to maintain health, prevent illness, and promote well being?

Reference: Lasky, P.A., & Eichelberger, K.M. (1985). “Health-related views and self-care behaviors of young children.” Family Relations, 34 (1), 13-18.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Family identity refers to the attitudes and behaviors that are routine in a family.

Your children need to know what it means to be a “Jones” or “Larios” or “Patel.”  Family values create the structure needed for healthy growth, like a garden trellis.   

You and your spouse come from different family identities and need to think about what your shared family identity will consist of.  Now is a good time to reflect and intentionally define some of your own family traits.  

Here are a few thoughts on fostering a strong, clear family identity:

• Maintain a relaxed schedule.  The un-programmed times of the week provide the greatest opportunity to form and share family identity.  A hurried pace robs you of the opportunities to have a long bedtime routine, take walks, and cook together; yet the conversations that take place during these routines allow for the teachable moments about what it means to be a member of your family.
• Read books aloud. A good book has a purpose, like a strong family.  Your family can gain a common language and set of experiences from sharing good books.  As you read more complex stories, you can point out what you like about a character.  You might say, “Little Bear is very helpful.  That’s something a Rollins would do.”  Or, after reading a Curious George book, you might say, “An Oxenreider is always curious too, but we’d never climb in a dump truck.”
• Make some values overt.  Many aspects of a family identity are assumed.  However, you should decide on some of the big things that define your family and clearly communicate them from early on.  For us, we decided that talking about our problems together was a non-negotiable part of being in our family.  When something comes up, we say, “Because Oxenreiders talk about their problems, I need to tell you that….”  Now when we are talking about a conflict, our pre-teen daughter will often say, “Do we have to talk about this?” One of us inevitably reminds her, “Yes, we do. Because Oxenreiders always talk about their problems.”  You may want to write your top priorities down and post them somewhere, but it is not necessary.
• Share stories.  Talk about your own childhood, your college days, or even what you did that day.  Retelling your own experiences provides your child with examples of what was and is important to you.  Did you swim everyday of the summer?  Did you have a soda can collection?  Did your mom make your Halloween costume?  Your child will come to love these stories and gain a sense of her family history—an important part to a sense of belonging and being loved.  Sharing stories also provides a chance to increase your child’s emotional intelligence.  When your child has a nightmare, calm him down and tell him about one of your (appropriate) scary dreams.  Your child will hear how normal his fear is and identify with you—sending the message that he is a part of a family that has scary dreams and turns out just fine.
• Do family projects. If you want part of your family identity to include caring for others, plan an occasional family project.  Don’t make it too complicated.  Rake an elderly neighbor’s leaves.  Pass out Valentines at a nursing home.  Deliver a meal to a sick friend or someone returning home from a long trip.  These short projects just may become some of your favorite identity-shaping moments.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

How do you know if your child has healthy self-esteem or not?

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the confidence and satisfaction a child has in them-self. In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall self worth. Therefore, the development of a positive self-concept or healthy self-esteem is extremely important to the overall well-being of a child. As parents we are instrumental in building self esteem in our children. 

Observing self-esteem

It is possible to judge self-esteem in children’s behavior. Spend some time watching your child to find out if they have good self-esteem. It is important to remember that all children will have off days and there isn’t a simple test with a pass/fail mark for self esteem. You know your own child better than anyone and should be able to pick up the signs - through behavior and words, if your child has a low self-esteem. Sometimes, however, you might find this difficult as you’re too close, or you might have difficulty seeing the world through their eyes. In cases like this, perhaps relatives, friends and teachers might be able to help assist you. Most of the research available tells us that children with healthy self-esteem do the following:

• Able to take reasonable risks
• Feel worthwhile (and lovable)
• Extend themselves as learners
• Make friends easily
• Display positive attitudes to others most of the time
• Generally behave well and are able to control their behavior
• Can accept they are going to make mistakes and experience failure
• Like to be creative and have their own ideas
• Can be cooperative and follow age-appropriate rules
• Are generally willing to try new things and can show initiative as opposed to  children with low self-esteem who give up easily or show little confidence in areas that are new
• Can acknowledge their own contributions to success
• Are generally optimistic and use positive language
• Believe that personal limitations can be worked on
• Show enthusiasm for new activities

Self-esteem as a family

It’s important to think about your home and the environment your child is growing up in, as your child's self-esteem initially develops within the family and is therefore influenced by the feelings and perceptions that your family unit has of itself. Family pride is essential to self-esteem and can be fostered in many ways like involvement in community activities, tracing your family tree, or caring for extended family members. Families work best when individual members focus on each other's strengths, avoid excessive criticism and stick up for one another outside the family setting. Family members believe in and trust each other, respect their individual differences and show their affection for each other. Holidays, outings, planned (and unplanned) activities are all great ‘team-building’ experiences.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.