For many families, separation and divorce is an emotionally, devastating time, where parents find themselves acting in ways that are not rational or cooperative.

Pick Up and Drop off Times

One of the most emotionally stressful times for a child is when a parent arrives to pick up or to drop off a child. Children are aware of the tension between the parents: they have experienced the shock and sadness too and may feel insecure about further conflict and tension.

To help support children, you can give them advance notice of any changes, show up on time and as planned. This gives children a sense of security - they can know and trust what will happen next. Keep to the arrangements as children can easily feel rejected and confused by unexplained failure to arrive or be dropped off at the expected time.

Practical tips for visits

• Visits are not times for parents to check up on each other or attempt to negotiate contentious issues. Children need to be able to go between both households without being questioned about what is happening in the other. Children will naturally want to talk about the other parent – but should not be ‘pumped’ for information. This distresses a child.
• Children need access to both parents therefore helping contact visits remain positive and stress free assists in relieving further grief to the child.
• It is better not to move children between households too close to their bedtime. Nor is it beneficial to the child to start out on an activity or outing the minute they arrive or return. Allow children to settle and adjust.
• Children may sometimes show distress in one form or other upon returning from seeing or staying with the other parent. The distress is usually real and a calm, empathic response will help children work out their own way of coping with their parent’s separation. Active listening allows the space for children to tell you in their own way what is going on, if they are aware of it and then to begin to work through it themselves.

Different Environments

Parents do not need to provide duplicate environments for their children concerning rules of behavior etc. On the other hand just as when both parents lived together it is important to reach broad agreement on matters of child rearing practices. It is not uncommon for there to be disagreements between parents about what is good or safe for children or other child rearing issues. Effectively finding ways to support children through working together will benefit their adjustment. Give each other time to settle before trying to negotiate changes.

Things to Avoid

Children are loyal and trusting of both parents, therefore as parents, we look to behave in ways that does not abuse their trust and not take advantage of children.

Messenger: Using children as messengers between the two parents teaches children that adults cannot talk honestly or directly to each other

Anger: Anger between parents has a destructive effect on children – and often covers deep hurt and grief.

I Spy: Asking child to report on the other parent is destructive; it is using a child for your own ends.

Disneyland Daddy, Mommy Santa: When visits are used just to give the child a good time, or outings and gifts take the place of normal parenting.

You can go if you like but we are going on a picnic: Do not set up competing activities, it spoils children’s pleasure in being with either parent.

Children have a right to:

• Be able to enjoy the love of both parents without excessive demands placed upon them.
• Feel proud of both parents and to be able to respect them
• See their parents behave towards each other with at least minimal courtesy, consideration and respect.
• Be listened to by both of their parents so that their needs are met

As parents, if we can have respect and hold all the people in our life dearly, then we can intuitively guide our children into developing confidently and able to meet many of life’s challenges.

Family identity refers to the attitudes and behaviors that are routine in a family.

Your children need to know what it means to be a “Jones” or “Larios” or “Patel.”  Family values create the structure needed for healthy growth, like a garden trellis.   

You and your spouse come from different family identities and need to think about what your shared family identity will consist of.  Now is a good time to reflect and intentionally define some of your own family traits.  

Here are a few thoughts on fostering a strong, clear family identity:

• Maintain a relaxed schedule.  The un-programmed times of the week provide the greatest opportunity to form and share family identity.  A hurried pace robs you of the opportunities to have a long bedtime routine, take walks, and cook together; yet the conversations that take place during these routines allow for the teachable moments about what it means to be a member of your family.
• Read books aloud. A good book has a purpose, like a strong family.  Your family can gain a common language and set of experiences from sharing good books.  As you read more complex stories, you can point out what you like about a character.  You might say, “Little Bear is very helpful.  That’s something a Rollins would do.”  Or, after reading a Curious George book, you might say, “An Oxenreider is always curious too, but we’d never climb in a dump truck.”
• Make some values overt.  Many aspects of a family identity are assumed.  However, you should decide on some of the big things that define your family and clearly communicate them from early on.  For us, we decided that talking about our problems together was a non-negotiable part of being in our family.  When something comes up, we say, “Because Oxenreiders talk about their problems, I need to tell you that….”  Now when we are talking about a conflict, our pre-teen daughter will often say, “Do we have to talk about this?” One of us inevitably reminds her, “Yes, we do. Because Oxenreiders always talk about their problems.”  You may want to write your top priorities down and post them somewhere, but it is not necessary.
• Share stories.  Talk about your own childhood, your college days, or even what you did that day.  Retelling your own experiences provides your child with examples of what was and is important to you.  Did you swim everyday of the summer?  Did you have a soda can collection?  Did your mom make your Halloween costume?  Your child will come to love these stories and gain a sense of her family history—an important part to a sense of belonging and being loved.  Sharing stories also provides a chance to increase your child’s emotional intelligence.  When your child has a nightmare, calm him down and tell him about one of your (appropriate) scary dreams.  Your child will hear how normal his fear is and identify with you—sending the message that he is a part of a family that has scary dreams and turns out just fine.
• Do family projects. If you want part of your family identity to include caring for others, plan an occasional family project.  Don’t make it too complicated.  Rake an elderly neighbor’s leaves.  Pass out Valentines at a nursing home.  Deliver a meal to a sick friend or someone returning home from a long trip.  These short projects just may become some of your favorite identity-shaping moments.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.