Dr. Ross Campbell, author of the Five love languages of children, shares his advice about fears and anxieties.

Most adults find it difficult to comprehend just how powerful and real the fears of small children are. If only our long-ago memories were a little fresher, if only we could feel again just how it was to be in a large, unfamiliar world with so little information to help the moment make sense.

We grown-ups cope with our own fears and anxieties, of course, but we are armed with greater resources for managing them. In particular, we have advanced reasoning facilities and considerable experience with the world. However, your two, three or four year old child is not so well equipped. That’s why we parents need to anticipate the sources of those difficult emotions.

What does a preschool-age child fear? The list could be nearly endless, but we can ‘round up a few of the usual suspects’:

Darkness. Fear of the dark is amongst the most ancient and common of all fears; something of an iconic childhood event. Slightly open closets and oddly shaped lamps can seem menacing to a little one.
Separation. Around the age of two, a great many children become very anxious about any type of separation from the parent—typically from Mommy. Try dropping off a child of this age at Sunday School, or at the childcare center, and the usual tantrum may brew.
Strangers and general unfamiliarity. Small children, normally active and talkative, will grow shy around unfamiliar people. It’s common to see them hiding behind the parent’s legs or chair. We expect the mall Santa Claus to offer a delightful encounter, but it may be a fearsome one.
Imaginary threats. Everyone knows how vivid and expressive the imagination of a child can be. Without an adult’s ability to reason and understand, the child’s line between the rational and the imaginary can be a very fine one.
Loud noises or commotion. Unexpected clamor or confusion will prove unsettling for a two, three or four-year-old child. That’s why we try to keep our children in quiet, safe environments as frequently as we can.
Animals. You and I recognize that the romping beagle is simply being playful, but things look different from a height of thirty-five inches.
Parental fears and anxieties. Children are highly sensitive and emotionally acute. When adults become anxious or fearful, children immediately take on those same feelings. The adult is the source of safety and meaning; if they become uncertain, then the child’s world has suddenly been robbed of its foundation.
Objects under the bed. Many children imagine frightening objects under the bed during the night. Simple ways to help your child with this problem are to look under the bed and assure the child; have the child look under the bed himself, or simply assure the child that all is well.

We observe a category of children in this age group who are particularly shy and dependent upon the parent. Mom and Dad naturally worry about the child’s reticence; they wonder if this is a case of special needs. It may be, but it’s also true that many children—like many adults—simply need a bit more time to become acclimated to anything or anyone new. Shyness isn’t necessarily the same as fear. More often than not, parents will find that patient love will help the child learn to venture cautiously out from the ‘safest adult’ to the next safest, until separation anxiety isn’t even an issue.

Anxiety is a bit like fear, but a special category thereof. Anxiety is fear without a face, the uncomfortable semi-awareness that life lacks equilibrium for whatever reason. Fear of darkness or the babysitter is specific and can be handled accordingly, but a child’s anxiety may come from a source more difficult to determine—or indeed from several sources. The child may become silent, temperamental, particularly needy of affection, or the child may manifest some other behavior. The watchful parent will note the change in behavior and avoid the trap of also becoming anxious. That response, of course, will only lead to more anxiety for the child. A cycle of anxiety can escalate.

As we’ll see in the next section, the best response is to offer unconditional love and enhance the child’s feeling of safety and security.

Responding to the child’s fear and anxiety

The primary need of any child is to feel unconditionally loved and accepted. So many of the child’s fears—separation, unfamiliar circumstances, and the parent’s fears, for example—can ultimately be seen as threats to the child’s basic, foundational sense of having a home and being loved there. Some children say they’re afraid of the dark, for instance, when the real issue is aloneness. At bedtime, the child is asked to go away from Mommy and Daddy and actually fall asleep that way.
This is why it’s not enough simply to love our children. We must be certain that we affirm that love in every way we can, as often as we can. When children are afraid of the dark or fearful of bedtime, we affirm that we’re right nearby, perhaps on the other side of a wall or door. We’re slightly apart, but our love is intact. We also spend special time with them before bed, reading a story, embracing warmly, and ‘loading up’ that special affection between parent and child.

It’s important to speak patiently and compassionately with our children when they express a fear. “A monster? That’s silly!” is a distancing statement rather than a reassuring one. Sometimes all the child needs is for the adult to listen, and for the opportunity to verbalize the fear. That in itself might cast out the fear.

We also need to be very conscious of what children see and hear, and how they perceive that information. Mommy and Daddy may speak in terms only half-serious about ‘being poor’ or unable to pay the bills; nevertheless, the child hears this as a true threat. Where will he sleep? Will the toys be taken away? Some Dads joke, “We’ll just throw you away!” or “We’re going to give you to another family” with that traditionally masculine, aggressive jocularity. The child may not detect the nuances of grown-up humor. Parents can never forget that little ears perceive and hear a different world.

Above all, the issue of security is central in helping the child grow beyond normal fear. At all times, we want our preschool children to know they have a permanent home and loving parent(s). Darkness will only last a few hours, then the morning; the babysitter is only here a few hours, and Mommy or Daddy will return. The parent must establish themself as strong, affectionate, and available to help with whatever seems threatening or uncertain at the moment. The Bible tells us that perfect love casts out fear, and that statement is never truer than in the case of parent and child.
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Written by Dr. Ross Campbell - co-author of The Triumphant Child: A practical guide for raising two, three and four year olds and The Five Love Languages of Children

This can be such a delicate topic. It's important to help your child understand what it is so they can cope when it happens.

Just as birth and new beginnings are a part of life, so too is death and the loss associated with it. Talking honestly and openly to young children about death can go a long way in helping them to understand it and to develop positive coping strategies.

Following are some ideas on how to approach this delicate area:

• Death is a hard concept for young children to understand. It needs to be explained in a very simple concrete way. For example, when someone dies you can tell your child that they are no longer breathing and their heart is no longer working. Let your child know that they can no longer walk, talk, eat or sleep. Children experience life in the here and now, therefore by explaining that the person's body is no longer alive and can't do the things such as walk, talk and eat makes it a little easier to grasp.
• Often children will ask for this information over and over again particularly if it was someone close to them. Young children struggle with the idea that death is permanent and not reversible. Children have very vivid imaginations so if they imagine the person is still alive then they begin to question the permanency of death. Always answer questions calmly and simply.
• If a family pet dies (which is always so sad) this can also be a time of learning. Allow your child to calmly observe the stillness of the pet's body. Point out that there is no longer any movement or breathing. Explain to your child that the pet's body is no longer alive. Include your child in any rituals or belief systems you may have about death. This can provide a framework for understanding what death is and how to cope with it.
• Talk to your child about your belief systems (if you have any) surrounding death and remember to keep your explanations simple. Answer any questions your child may have or ask your child if they have any questions.
• After explaining about death to your child you should ask them to explain it back to you. Its remarkable what can be uncovered when you do this! They may come out with something completely different than from what you have just said. Oftentimes these differences are made up of misconceptions that your child has about what death is. So it is necessary to gently correct any misconceptions. You may have to go through this explaining and repeating it back process several times. Not all at once....this may occur over several days or even weeks. Just have patience and gently go over the same explanation each time and try not to alter your explanation as this can cause further confusion.
• Find some children's books which explain the concept of death and read them together and answer any questions which they may provoke.
• If it was someone close to them that died it can be helpful to put together a special book about this person. Use photographs and encourage your child to draw some pictures or tell you what to write about them. You could ask your child what was their loved ones favorite things to do and include these in the book.
• Encourage your child to express any feelings that they may have and let them know its okay to feel sad or angry etc.

Three common misconceptions young children can have about death:

1. Death is not permanent.
2. Death is reversible.
3. Magical thinking (imagination) for example, " I was angry with Auntie Dot and wished that she would go away and that's why she died.'

Four concepts which help children understand death:

1. Universal - the concept that all living things eventually die.
2. Irreversibility - in this children struggle with the idea that once the physical body of a living thing is dead, it can never be alive again.
3. Causality - in this concept young children are challenged with understanding what it is that really does or can bring about the death of a living thing. This is where young children's vivid imaginations come into play.
4. Non-functionality - this refers to the end of all bodily functions such as breathing, eating, walking and playing.

For many families, separation and divorce is an emotionally, devastating time, where parents find themselves acting in ways that are not rational or cooperative.

Pick Up and Drop off Times

One of the most emotionally stressful times for a child is when a parent arrives to pick up or to drop off a child. Children are aware of the tension between the parents: they have experienced the shock and sadness too and may feel insecure about further conflict and tension.

To help support children, you can give them advance notice of any changes, show up on time and as planned. This gives children a sense of security - they can know and trust what will happen next. Keep to the arrangements as children can easily feel rejected and confused by unexplained failure to arrive or be dropped off at the expected time.

Practical tips for visits

• Visits are not times for parents to check up on each other or attempt to negotiate contentious issues. Children need to be able to go between both households without being questioned about what is happening in the other. Children will naturally want to talk about the other parent – but should not be ‘pumped’ for information. This distresses a child.
• Children need access to both parents therefore helping contact visits remain positive and stress free assists in relieving further grief to the child.
• It is better not to move children between households too close to their bedtime. Nor is it beneficial to the child to start out on an activity or outing the minute they arrive or return. Allow children to settle and adjust.
• Children may sometimes show distress in one form or other upon returning from seeing or staying with the other parent. The distress is usually real and a calm, empathic response will help children work out their own way of coping with their parent’s separation. Active listening allows the space for children to tell you in their own way what is going on, if they are aware of it and then to begin to work through it themselves.

Different Environments

Parents do not need to provide duplicate environments for their children concerning rules of behavior etc. On the other hand just as when both parents lived together it is important to reach broad agreement on matters of child rearing practices. It is not uncommon for there to be disagreements between parents about what is good or safe for children or other child rearing issues. Effectively finding ways to support children through working together will benefit their adjustment. Give each other time to settle before trying to negotiate changes.

Things to Avoid

Children are loyal and trusting of both parents, therefore as parents, we look to behave in ways that does not abuse their trust and not take advantage of children.

Messenger: Using children as messengers between the two parents teaches children that adults cannot talk honestly or directly to each other

Anger: Anger between parents has a destructive effect on children – and often covers deep hurt and grief.

I Spy: Asking child to report on the other parent is destructive; it is using a child for your own ends.

Disneyland Daddy, Mommy Santa: When visits are used just to give the child a good time, or outings and gifts take the place of normal parenting.

You can go if you like but we are going on a picnic: Do not set up competing activities, it spoils children’s pleasure in being with either parent.

Children have a right to:

• Be able to enjoy the love of both parents without excessive demands placed upon them.
• Feel proud of both parents and to be able to respect them
• See their parents behave towards each other with at least minimal courtesy, consideration and respect.
• Be listened to by both of their parents so that their needs are met

As parents, if we can have respect and hold all the people in our life dearly, then we can intuitively guide our children into developing confidently and able to meet many of life’s challenges.

All children go through periods of fear. This is normal and expected. Here are a few ideas to help your child with her fears.

Young children can be fearful of all kinds of things. Common fears are storms, dogs, loud noises (vacuum cleaners, water going down the plug), clowns and insects. Here are some tips to help you and your child through this stage.

• Stay calm when your child is afraid. Your child will look to you for your reaction. Staying calm will reassure her and make her feel safe.
• Let your child know that it is okay to feel scared. Try saying "You don't like the thunder", or "That loud noise scared you didn't it?"
• Try not to go over the top with the attention you give to your child when she is scared. If we pay too much attention she may think that there really is something to be afraid of. Tell them about something you were afraid of when you were little and how you grew out of it.
• Although it is hard - try not to pass your own fears onto your child.
• Talk to your child about their fears. Sometimes they have misconceptions that can be cleared up. For example, when my little girl was 2 years old she was afraid of the noise the water made going out of the bath. She told us she thought a monster lived under the bath and was going to get her. We were able to discuss it with her, and even looked down the drain with a flashlight to establish there was nothing there.
• Try distracting your child with a toy or book. There are some excellent picture books that address common fears that you can read to your child.
• Play it out. Some children benefit from playing out the fear again and again. This lets her deal with her feelings in a safe way. If the fear is dogs - you and your child can take turns at being the dog and the child.
• If your child is particularly scared of something or someone give him some time to adapt before going ahead. Start small - if your child is afraid of the vacuum cleaner let him touch it when it is off, he may even feel safe enough to 'play' at vacuuming. Move on to doing the vacuuming when he is playing outside with another adult and then maybe watching through the window
• If you stay in sight you can help prevent fears. If your child can see you he will feel safer.
• Never make fun of your child's fear or get angry if her fear seems silly.
• Remember childhood fears are a normal part of growing up.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Taking responsibility for something we have done wrong does not come naturally.

Part six - Accepting consequences

Teach your child the following four parts of accepting consequences:

1. Look at the person.
2. Say “Okay” and remain calm.
3. Carry out the consequences.

Here are a few words of advice:

• My husband has worked at colleges for 18 years and can quickly tell which college freshmen have learned the art of accepting a consequence.  Taking responsibility for something we have done wrong does not come naturally and yet our children will need to do so effectively their whole lives.  Anyone gotten a speeding ticket lately?
• The past three skills worked on the premise that you will teach your child skills.  So when he failed to put the skill into practice, you taught the skill again as the intervention.  At some point, you will come recognize when your child obeys because of lack of practice or willfulness.  If you decide that your child has willfully disobeyed you, you need to begin teaching him how to accept an appropriate consequence.  
• Just to get it out of the way, appropriate consequences do not include:  spanking, slapping, pinching, shaking, pulling hair or arms, pushing, and jerking.  Verbal abuse, such as being sarcastic or threatening, is also not allowed.  Last, putting anything in the child’s mouth, such as soap, pepper, Tabasco, a washcloth, is not allowed.  (I am glad that’s over with.)
• So when a child willfully disobeys what he has been taught, you need to teach him how to accept a consequence.  Following the steps above, you might say the following.  “Charlie, you need to accept a consequence for going outside without permission.  I want you to look at me while I tell you what you need to do.  After I tell you your consequence, you need to stay calm, look me in the eyes, and say ‘Okay.’  Then I want you to go do it right away.”
• It is important for the bond of love and respect that you and your child carry out this interaction calmly and respectfully.
• As you well know, the higher goal of parenting is to find your child behaving well and reinforce that…we also know that sometimes a logical consequence is needed.
• The logical part of logical consequence is crucial.  If your child spills crackers on the living room floor when he been taught to keep food in the kitchen, he needs to clean up the crackers and not have his bowl refilled.  A timeout is an acceptable consequence, but not a logical one.  Logical consequences are not always apparent and that is when tools such as time out come in.  The child’s age determines the length of the time out (1 minute for a one year old, 2 minutes for a two-year old, etc.).
• As the child gets older, you can give him an opportunity to ask you for permission to discuss the consequence later if he disagrees.  However, at first, your child needs to master calmly accepting the consequence and doing it right away.  Hang in there!

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Source: www.professionalparenting.org

Does your young child have temper tantrums? Does it feel like they last forever? Well take heart, you are not alone.

Tantrum behavior can start as young as around your child's first birthday. When tantrums first appear, many parents question what they have done wrong! In fact temper tantrums are a good sign - they show your child is on target developmentally. Children this age need to be able to assert their independence. Sometimes this gets expressed in temper tantrum behavior. Not only is it frightening and frustrating to you, but it is also a little scary for your toddler. Stay calm and offer them a hug when it is over.

What is a tantrum?

Many children show their frustrated feelings by screaming and kicking. Young children become frustrated because they lack the words to say what they are feeling, and therefore, they express their feelings in action e.g. temper tantrums. Tantrums often occur because a child is too tired, over-stimulated, or too stressed. The result is an unplanned outburst of emotion.

What are tantrum triggers for your child?

If your child has a lot of tantrums, it is wise to record a "tantrum diary." Write down what may be triggering the behavioral outbursts that way you can begin to come up with strategies for dealing with them appropriately.
Was your child:

• Tired
• Hungry
• Frustrated or unable to do something
• Being refused something or feeling a sense of loss
• Being rushed
• Trying to be independent
• Over-stimulated
• Disappointed
• Feeling misunderstood
• Eating certain foods e.g. food triggers
• Reacting to parent-stress strategies to stop tantrums happening in the first place

Hopefully, you’ve worked out the triggers that are causing the tantrums, and you and your partner have sat down and discussed some ways of doing things differently. Here are some tips to consider:

• Tired, hungry children are more likely to have behavior issues. Where possible, ensure your child is well fed (for this age group it is a good idea to take snacks and a drinks with you when you go out), and well rested
• Look for early warning signs, then distract or control the situation by offering choices
• Set the stage for success by making activities simple and obtainable
• Know your child’s limits. Challenge them, but try not to set them up for failure
• Give them plenty of praise
• Catch them being good

If you consistently have behavior problems in supermarkets or other places – try to avoid going there with your child.  Or if you must, make the visits short. Make them a helper, or distract them with food, a toy or a story while shopping.

Strategies for dealing with tantrums

You've done your best, but the tantrum still occurs - try some of the following strategies:

• Stay calm (or pretend to!)
• Ignore the behavior if you can – sometimes tantrums stop if there is no audience
• As a parent set clear limits - think about setting up routines and sticking to them. For example -if you want to buy your child a treat every time you go to the store, that's fine, however if you don't, then it is probably best to never buy a treat. Preschoolers find it hard to understand that what is ok one week is not ok for the next.
• Whenever possible, help your child express her feelings in words. "You really wanted mommy to buy that toy didn't you?."
• Remove them immediately if they are hurting themselves, others or property
• Distract them - children of this age can be easily distracted
• Hold them close; and talk calmly and quietly in their ear. Calmly assure them: they are safe, you are in charge and you will not continue what you were doing unless the behavior stops. It may take time for your child to be consoled and back in control, so be patient but do NOT give in to the behavior.
• Tantrums in public can be embarrassing, but if you say NO, then mean it. It is very important to be consistent with your approach. If a child learns that a certain behavior works then they are likely to try that strategy again.

Tantrums are common in 1 – 4 year old children. They decline as children develop more effective ways of dealing with feelings and communicating their needs. Be consistent with your approach in dealing with temper tantrums, and try and have other family members adopt the same methods. Often we feel embarrassed when a child has a tantrum in public, and we are afraid of what people might think. It is important that we don't give in - if we do - then we teach a child that they can get away with things in front of other people. You can reduce tantrums and help your child (and you) to deal with stressful situations by using some simple strategies and sensible planning. Good luck!

Parent Tips

Josie and Phillip: parents of one son aged 4
"Our son usually saves his best dramatic performances for when we are shopping in public. We never take him out when he is tired or hungry and we try and limit the outings to short visits. It helps if we calmly tell him what is happening before we go and what behavior we expect, occasionally we offer a reward if it’s a special event."

Petra and John: parents of two daughters aged 6 and 1
"Our eldest child used to scream and kick when she had a temper tantrum. I would simply scoop her up in my arms, hold her close and leave the room/area. After she had calmed down I would give her a hug even though I was usually seething with anger. I’d explain that I was unhappy with her behavior and that she needed to use her words if she was having unhappy or confusing feelings. Her tantrums were at their worst when she was three and by the time she started school, she was rarely having them."

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

To a large degree, the social emotional needs of gifted children are the same as those of other children.

The same developmental stages occur, though often at a younger age. Some needs and problems, however, appear more often among gifted children.

Types of Problems

It is helpful to think of the needs of gifted children in terms of those that arise because of the interaction with the environmental setting (e.g., family, school etc) and those that arise internally because of the very characteristics of the gifted child.

Several intellectual and personality attributes may characterize gifted children.

• Uneven Development. Motor skills, especially fine-motor, often lag behind cognitive conceptual abilities, particularly in preschool gifted children. These children may see in their "mind's eye" what they want to do, construct, or draw; however, motor skills do not allow them to achieve the goal. Intense frustration and emotional outbursts may result.
• Peer Relations. As preschoolers and in primary grades, gifted children (particularly highly gifted) attempt to organize people and things. Their search for consistency emphasizes "rules," which they attempt to apply to others. They invent complex games and try to organize their playmates, often prompting resentment in their peers.
• Excessive Self-Criticism. The ability to see possibilities and alternatives may imply that youngsters see idealistic images of what they might be, at the same time they may put themselves down because they see how they are falling short of an ideal.
• Perfectionism. The ability to see how one might ideally perform, combined with emotional intensity, leads many gifted children to unrealistically high expectations of themselves. In high ability children, perhaps 15-20% may be hindered significantly by perfectionism at some point in their academic careers, and even later in life.
• Avoidance of Risk-Taking. In the same way the gifted youngsters see the possibilities, they also see potential problems in undertaking those activities. Avoidance of potential problems can mean avoidance of risk-taking, and may result in underachievement.
• Multipotentiality. Gifted children often have several advanced capabilities and may be involved in diverse activities to an almost frantic degree. Though seldom a problem for the child, this may create problems for the family, as well as confusion when decisions must be made about career selection.
• Gifted Children with Disabilities. Physical disabilities can prompt social and emotional difficulties. Intellect may be high, but motor difficulties such as cerebral palsy may prevent expression of potential. Visual or hearing impairment or a learning disability may cause frustration. Gifted children with disabilities tend to evaluate themselves more on what they are unable to do than on their substantial abilities.

External Problems

A lack of understanding or support for gifted children, and sometimes actual ambivalence or hostility, creates significant problems.

Some common problem patterns are:

• School Culture and Norms. Gifted children, by definition, are "unusual" when compared with same-age children--at least in cognitive abilities--and require different educational experiences. Schools, however, generally group children by age. The child often has a dilemma--conform to the expectations for the average child or be seen as nonconformist.
• Expectations by Others. Gifted children--particularly the more creative--do not conform. Nonconformists violate or challenge traditions, rituals, roles, or expectations. Such behaviors often prompt discomfort in others. The gifted child, sensitive to others' discomfort, may then try to hide abilities.
• Peer Relations. Who is a peer for a gifted child? Gifted children need several peer groups because their interests are so varied. Their advanced levels of ability may steer them toward older children. They may replace peers by reading books. Such children are often thought of as "loners." The conflict between fitting in and being an individual may be quite stressful.
• Depression. Depression is usually being angry at oneself or at a situation over which one has little or no control. In some families, continual evaluation and criticism of performance--one's own and others--is a tradition. Any natural tendency to self-evaluate likely will be inflated. Depression and academic underachievement may be increased. Sometimes educational misplacement causes the gifted youngster to feel caught in a slow motion world. Depression may result because the child feels caught in an unchangeable situation.
• Family Relations. Families particularly influence the development of social and emotional competence. When problems occur, it is not because parents consciously decide to create difficulties for gifted children. It is because parents lack information about gifted children, or lack support for appropriate parenting, or are attempting to cope with their own unresolved problems (which may stem from their experiences with being gifted).

Preventing Problems

• Support for Parents. Parents are particularly important in preventing social or emotional problems. Teaching, no matter how excellent or supportive, can seldom counteract inappropriate parenting. Supportive family environments, on the other hand, can counteract unhappy school experiences. Parents need information if they are to nurture well and to be wise advocates for their children.
• Focus on Parents of Young Children. Problems are best prevented by involving parents when children are young. Parents particularly must understand characteristics that may make gifted children seem different or difficult.
• Educate and Involve Health-Care and Other Professionals. Efforts should be made to involve such professionals in state and local meetings and in continuing education programs concerning gifted children. Pediatricians, psychologists, and other caregivers such as day-care providers typically have received little training about gifted children, and therefore can provide little assistance to parents .
• Use Educational Flexibility. Gifted children require different and more flexible educational experiences. When the children come from multicultural or low-income families, educational flexibility and reaching out may be particularly necessary. Seven flexibly paced educational options, relatively easy to implement in most school settings are: early entrance; grade skipping; advanced level courses; compacted courses; continuous progress in the regular classroom; concurrent enrollment in advanced classes; and credit by examination. These options are based on competence and demonstrated ability, rather than on arbitrary age groupings.
• Establish Parent Discussion Groups. Parents of gifted children typically have few opportunities to talk with other parents of gifted children. Discussion groups provide opportunities to "swap parenting recipes" and child-rearing experiences. Such experiences provide perspective as well as specific information .

Author: Webb, James T.
Source: ERIC Clearinghouse on Disabilities and Gifted Education Reston VA.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.