The following ideas will hopefully make your next grocery store trip will be alittle easier.

• Avoid shopping if your young children are tired and hungry. In fact, try to avoid shopping if YOU are tired and hungry.
• If it is available and you like the idea use internet shopping, have your groceries delivered.
• Create a list and be organized so that you are not in the store any longer than you need to be.
• Give yourself enough time. Children feel stressed when they are rushed, and this is when the behavior starts to go downhill. I used to try to rush up and down the aisle with my 1-year old trying to break the shopping world record. One day I asked myself, "What are you doing?" CHILL! I decided to slow down. If that meant letting her having a 'turn' at pushing the cart, or stopping to look at the doggies and kitties on the packets in the pet food isle, then that is what we did.  We were both less stressed and happier at the end.
• Let them play -okay- I can hear you thinking, "What is she talking about?" What I mean is that children are more likely to be cooperative if what they are doing is fun. I remember spending one whole shopping trip with my two-year old daughter and her friend crawling behind the cart as cats. As long as I stayed in character ("Here kitties."), they would do what ever I wanted.
• Shopping is filled with great learning opportunities. Try these phrases out: "Could you get the yellow packet, please?" or "See the one that starts with 'B'?" or "We need the square box."
• Tell your child ahead of time what type of behavior you expect.  Children cannot read your mind. Spell it out for them. Will you be buying them a snack or taking one? Let them know before hand. Do you want your children to take turns at putting items in the cart?  Let them know.
• Involve your child in shopping by helping to look for certain items, placing items in the cart, and crossing off items from the list. Children love to help. This tip can also help the fussy eater. If a child has helped to choose a food, then she is more likely to eat it.
• Take snacks and drinks to avoid the inevitable hunger pangs at the sight of all that food. I always took snacks for my daughter when we went shopping because I never wanted her to get into the habit of expecting something every time we went to the store. I do now occasionally get her a treat, but she doesn't expect one every time.
• To keep your child safe, stay with them at all times. Keep them seated when in the cart.  If they are young enough, or keep standing in the seat, use the restraint.
• Visit the toilet or do a diaper change before you get in to the store. Now I know this does not always work. If your little one needs a change or to go to the toilet, then just leave the cart near a check out, and tell a staff member you will be back. Don't get angry - as frustrating as it is because, as the saying goes - when you've got to go, you've got to go. I could not begin to tell you the amount of times this has happened to me.
• Remember to praise your child for good behavior. For example "I really liked the way you are staying close to the cart today".

Taking responsibility for something we have done wrong does not come naturally.

Part six - Accepting consequences

Teach your child the following four parts of accepting consequences:

1. Look at the person.
2. Say “Okay” and remain calm.
3. Carry out the consequences.

Here are a few words of advice:

• My husband has worked at colleges for 18 years and can quickly tell which college freshmen have learned the art of accepting a consequence.  Taking responsibility for something we have done wrong does not come naturally and yet our children will need to do so effectively their whole lives.  Anyone gotten a speeding ticket lately?
• The past three skills worked on the premise that you will teach your child skills.  So when he failed to put the skill into practice, you taught the skill again as the intervention.  At some point, you will come recognize when your child obeys because of lack of practice or willfulness.  If you decide that your child has willfully disobeyed you, you need to begin teaching him how to accept an appropriate consequence.  
• Just to get it out of the way, appropriate consequences do not include:  spanking, slapping, pinching, shaking, pulling hair or arms, pushing, and jerking.  Verbal abuse, such as being sarcastic or threatening, is also not allowed.  Last, putting anything in the child’s mouth, such as soap, pepper, Tabasco, a washcloth, is not allowed.  (I am glad that’s over with.)
• So when a child willfully disobeys what he has been taught, you need to teach him how to accept a consequence.  Following the steps above, you might say the following.  “Charlie, you need to accept a consequence for going outside without permission.  I want you to look at me while I tell you what you need to do.  After I tell you your consequence, you need to stay calm, look me in the eyes, and say ‘Okay.’  Then I want you to go do it right away.”
• It is important for the bond of love and respect that you and your child carry out this interaction calmly and respectfully.
• As you well know, the higher goal of parenting is to find your child behaving well and reinforce that…we also know that sometimes a logical consequence is needed.
• The logical part of logical consequence is crucial.  If your child spills crackers on the living room floor when he been taught to keep food in the kitchen, he needs to clean up the crackers and not have his bowl refilled.  A timeout is an acceptable consequence, but not a logical one.  Logical consequences are not always apparent and that is when tools such as time out come in.  The child’s age determines the length of the time out (1 minute for a one year old, 2 minutes for a two-year old, etc.).
• As the child gets older, you can give him an opportunity to ask you for permission to discuss the consequence later if he disagrees.  However, at first, your child needs to master calmly accepting the consequence and doing it right away.  Hang in there!

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Source: www.professionalparenting.org

In some situations you are the best judge of what your child may or may not do.

Asking Permission - Part five

Teach your child the following three parts of asking permission:

1. Go to the person in charge.
2. Ask in the form of a question.
3. Wait for an answer.

Here are a few words of advice:

• Remember to intentionally teach your child how to ask for permission.  You could say, “Jessica, I am going to teach you how to ask permission to do somethings because asking permission is important for staying safe.  First, I want you to go to the person in charge…that’s the adult, like Mommy or Daddy.  Then, ask a question such as ‘May I please have a snack?’ Next, just wait for an answer.  Now let’s practice.”  Remember you will need to repeat these instructions again and again as situations come up.  You want your child to tell them back to you without help…oh yeah, and to do them too.
• Think ahead about when you want your child to ask for permission.  Asking to be excused from the dinner table can begin at an early age.  Other times include: playing with particularly messy toys (like blocks or a train set), having a snack, going outside or off the porch, and watching television.  Establishing routine opportunities for asking permission will reinforce the skill so that it can transfer to other situations later—such as a classroom.
• Give your child a chance to initiate this skill after teaching it.  When she forgets to ask permission, you need to get down at eye-level, establish eye contact, and ask her to tell you the steps for asking permission.  This gentle, respectful intervention takes deliberate effort on your part, so slowly introduce situations for asking permission. (Don’t frustrate yourself or your child with too much at once.)  
• Teaching your child to ask permission is not being controlling.  Obviously, your preschooler will make hundreds of decisions independently each day (that’s why they need that afternoon rest time).  But in certain situations—ones that you deem important—you are the best judge of what your child chooses to do.  As your child becomes older, especially school-age, you will gradually hand more decisions over to him in areas that he has proven to have good judgment.
• Asking permission establishes a structure for authority in your home that ultimately fosters your child’s sense of independence.  That is, as she senses who is in charge, she will develop a sense of security and a positive sense of self in relationship to those she loves and respects.

Source: www.professionalparenting.org

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

The skill of accepting 'No', will teach your child how to deal with being denied.

Accepting "No" - Part four

Teach your child the following three parts to accepting “No” as an answer:

1. Look at the person.
2. Listen quietly.
3. Calmly move on.

Here are a few words of advice:

• I have to admit that I have physically cringed when I realized that I was going to have to tell my daughter “No” about something, especially in public.  Whether she would roll her eyes, stomp her feet, or whine, I just didn’t want to deal with it.  Have you ever decided not to say, “No” because you didn’t want to deal with your child’s reaction?
• As parents and teachers of our children, we have to remember that our children need to be taught how to accept “No”.  Merely saying, “Because I said so” or “Just do it” doesn’t help lay out the way to cope with the stress of being denied.  I am not saying that our children shouldn’t do what we ask; on the contrary, I believe they should—but doing so doesn’t come naturally.
• You have to teach the steps of the skill.  Put them on a sheet of paper on the refrigerator.  Go over them repeatedly—driving to the store, waiting in a line, or at bedtime.  Initially, ask your child to repeat the steps back to you as you say them one at a time.  This will take less than a minute to do.  Later, quiz her on all three steps. After your child can say the steps to accepting “No”, it is especially important to role play what you want your child to do so that the teaching is not just verbal but also involves movement (like it will in real life situations).
• The first step is to establish eye contact between you and your child.  Don’t be afraid to say, “Sarah, I want you to look at me,” when you know that you have to say “No”.  At first, to reinforce the skill, say, “Look at me.  Do you remember the steps for accepting ‘No’”?  Early on ask and help her to repeat the steps back to you.  Of course, she will know what is coming.  However, you are preparing her to respond appropriately.
• Once she is looking at you and listening quietly (step 2), say something simple and clear such as, “The answer is ‘No’.”
• If she starts to overreact, remind her to move on calmly (step 3).
• The steps of the skill do not allow a step for you to give your child a reason.  In the moment, the skill focuses on how to handle a stressful situation, so it needs to remain short and clear.
• Later, if you feel that it is important, you can offer a good reason for why you said, “No.”  (It doesn’t have to be every time.) However, your reason does need to make sense to a small child and should not be drawn out.
• Accepting “No” is a crucial life skill.  Our children’s teachers and, later, bosses will tell them “No.”  The goal in teaching this skill is to help our children learn early how to cope with and appropriately respond to being denied.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Does your young child have temper tantrums? Does it feel like they last forever? Well take heart, you are not alone.

Tantrum behavior can start as young as around your child's first birthday. When tantrums first appear, many parents question what they have done wrong! In fact temper tantrums are a good sign - they show your child is on target developmentally. Children this age need to be able to assert their independence. Sometimes this gets expressed in temper tantrum behavior. Not only is it frightening and frustrating to you, but it is also a little scary for your toddler. Stay calm and offer them a hug when it is over.

What is a tantrum?

Many children show their frustrated feelings by screaming and kicking. Young children become frustrated because they lack the words to say what they are feeling, and therefore, they express their feelings in action e.g. temper tantrums. Tantrums often occur because a child is too tired, over-stimulated, or too stressed. The result is an unplanned outburst of emotion.

What are tantrum triggers for your child?

If your child has a lot of tantrums, it is wise to record a "tantrum diary." Write down what may be triggering the behavioral outbursts that way you can begin to come up with strategies for dealing with them appropriately.
Was your child:

• Tired
• Hungry
• Frustrated or unable to do something
• Being refused something or feeling a sense of loss
• Being rushed
• Trying to be independent
• Over-stimulated
• Disappointed
• Feeling misunderstood
• Eating certain foods e.g. food triggers
• Reacting to parent-stress strategies to stop tantrums happening in the first place

Hopefully, you’ve worked out the triggers that are causing the tantrums, and you and your partner have sat down and discussed some ways of doing things differently. Here are some tips to consider:

• Tired, hungry children are more likely to have behavior issues. Where possible, ensure your child is well fed (for this age group it is a good idea to take snacks and a drinks with you when you go out), and well rested
• Look for early warning signs, then distract or control the situation by offering choices
• Set the stage for success by making activities simple and obtainable
• Know your child’s limits. Challenge them, but try not to set them up for failure
• Give them plenty of praise
• Catch them being good

If you consistently have behavior problems in supermarkets or other places – try to avoid going there with your child.  Or if you must, make the visits short. Make them a helper, or distract them with food, a toy or a story while shopping.

Strategies for dealing with tantrums

You've done your best, but the tantrum still occurs - try some of the following strategies:

• Stay calm (or pretend to!)
• Ignore the behavior if you can – sometimes tantrums stop if there is no audience
• As a parent set clear limits - think about setting up routines and sticking to them. For example -if you want to buy your child a treat every time you go to the store, that's fine, however if you don't, then it is probably best to never buy a treat. Preschoolers find it hard to understand that what is ok one week is not ok for the next.
• Whenever possible, help your child express her feelings in words. "You really wanted mommy to buy that toy didn't you?."
• Remove them immediately if they are hurting themselves, others or property
• Distract them - children of this age can be easily distracted
• Hold them close; and talk calmly and quietly in their ear. Calmly assure them: they are safe, you are in charge and you will not continue what you were doing unless the behavior stops. It may take time for your child to be consoled and back in control, so be patient but do NOT give in to the behavior.
• Tantrums in public can be embarrassing, but if you say NO, then mean it. It is very important to be consistent with your approach. If a child learns that a certain behavior works then they are likely to try that strategy again.

Tantrums are common in 1 – 4 year old children. They decline as children develop more effective ways of dealing with feelings and communicating their needs. Be consistent with your approach in dealing with temper tantrums, and try and have other family members adopt the same methods. Often we feel embarrassed when a child has a tantrum in public, and we are afraid of what people might think. It is important that we don't give in - if we do - then we teach a child that they can get away with things in front of other people. You can reduce tantrums and help your child (and you) to deal with stressful situations by using some simple strategies and sensible planning. Good luck!

Parent Tips

Josie and Phillip: parents of one son aged 4
"Our son usually saves his best dramatic performances for when we are shopping in public. We never take him out when he is tired or hungry and we try and limit the outings to short visits. It helps if we calmly tell him what is happening before we go and what behavior we expect, occasionally we offer a reward if it’s a special event."

Petra and John: parents of two daughters aged 6 and 1
"Our eldest child used to scream and kick when she had a temper tantrum. I would simply scoop her up in my arms, hold her close and leave the room/area. After she had calmed down I would give her a hug even though I was usually seething with anger. I’d explain that I was unhappy with her behavior and that she needed to use her words if she was having unhappy or confusing feelings. Her tantrums were at their worst when she was three and by the time she started school, she was rarely having them."

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Here are some clear guidelines for teaching your child to follow instructions.

Following Instructions, Part Three

The first core skill is “Following Instructions.”  Teach your child the following three parts to following instructions:
1.    Look at the person.
2.    Acknowledge the instruction, say “OK.”
3.    Do it right away.

The following guidelines should help you get started:

• Be clear with your child about what you are doing.  You might say, “Cassie, I am going teach you about how to follow instructions.  I have three steps to remember, listen because I want you to say them back to me.”
• Once he or she can say them to you in order, start to practice.  Ask your child to look at you (asking for eye contact) and then ask her to do something simple.  Wait for her to respond with “OK,” and watch her go off to do it (right away).  
• If she forgets a step, prompt her with the right words and go on.  This can be fun.  Ask her to get your slippers and put one on your head.
• Later when a real-life situation arises that requires your child to follow instructions, before giving the instruction, ask your child if he remembers the steps of following instructions.  Review, if needed.
• Two things to keep in mind regarding eye contact.  In order to have eye contact when giving instructions, you need to be in the same room with your child.  (Obvious, I know.) The days of yelling from another room are over.  Also, you will need to think twice before giving instructions.  Be sure that you really need her to do the task before giving the instructions.  Too many instructions (unnecessary ones) can be counterproductive.
• Acknowledging with an “Okay” assures you that your child has heard you.
• Doing the task right away, avoids the child not obeying because they forgot the request.
• While you are instilling this core skill, you do not need to think about consequences.  The assumption is that your child needs ample practice recalling and doing the skill.  Simply having her recall the steps to you out loud is a sufficient consequence in the beginning.
• After lots of instruction, you may feel that your child is acting out of defiance.  At this point, you need to start collecting ideas from friends and professionals about logical consequences.  (Accepting those consequences is the fourth skill.)

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

You need to instill a habit of establishing eye contact with your child before moving into the four core skills.

Where do I start? Part two

As you will see in the four following tips on teaching core skills, the first step in three out of four of the key skills is, “Look at the person.”  You need to instill a habit of establishing eye contact with your child before moving into the four core skills.  If your young child has not yet created a habit of looking you in the eyes while talking, here are a few suggestions:

• Begin by looking for small opportunities to catch your child’s eye and then simply smile and/or say something that your child would love to hear like, “You have such pretty eyes,” or “I like it when you look in my eyes.”
• Starting with brief glances at first is great.  You may need to get used to eye contact yourself.
• Try having a staring contest.  Making a game and being playful creates positive associations with eye contact and makes later teaching easier.  Plus you can teach the cue, “Sweetie, look at my eyes.”
• Once you have a few successes and a level of comfort, start asking your child to look at you when you have something important, hopefully positive, to tell him or her.  It might sound like this, “Sarah, I want you to look at mommy in the eyes. (Pause) Good job.  You did a good job on the potty today.”  A warm hand on the arm or shoulder would be a nice affirmation too.

For children and adults, open and honest communication begins with eye contact.  I believe that being intentional about teaching eye contact will make the challenge of parent-as-teacher more rewarding.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

This article is the introduction in a series of six parts that suggests four core skills to teach your young child.

An introduction to disciplining your prechooler - part one

You have most likely heard that the word “disciple” actually refers to teaching, not only giving a consequence.  But after hearing that have you ever wondered, “What exactly am I supposed to be teaching my child?”

This article will cover four skills:  Following Instructions, Accepting No, Asking Permission, and Accepting Consequences.  However, before launching into the skills, I will give some pointers for creating a habit of eye contact when teaching your child (Part Two).  In teaching these skills to your child, you will give her clear guidelines for living peacefully as well as a sense of security from knowing exactly what you expect.  

If you carefully consider most of the misbehavior in your home, you will be able to link them to one of these four core skills.  Patience is definitely needed.  You may need to reinforce each skill hundreds (really) of times.  But once you know that your child is acting out in defiance, not ignorance of, a home standard, you will be able to decide with clarity when to give an appropriate, logical consequence.

In addition to patience, you need your support network.  Share the steps of the core skills with other people who are significant in your child’s daily life.  As with so many things, consistency pays off.

I encourage you to start small and work toward completing all the skills over a long period of time.  You will find that some skills take hold quicker than others.  My daughter has never had a problem asking for permission…accepting a consequence is another story.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Do your children drive you crazy at bedtime? Does it feel like forever before they settle down and go to sleep?

About Routines

• Families function at their best when there are predictable routines in their day to day lives. For example, if bedtime routine always consists of bath time, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, stories, then bed, - children will learn that “this is what happens in our family” and will be less likely to resist.
• Routines also help children to feel safe and to understand the behavior expected. Babies and young children are learning new things everyday. It is comforting for them to have times in their day when they know what is going to happen.
• Routines also make life easier for you  - if everyone knows what to do there will be less nagging and reminding and hopefully less complaining and pushing of boundaries.

Setting up a bed time routine?

Here are some tips for establishing a bed time routine that works for your family.

• Look at what you would include in a bedtime routine and make sure you are getting started early enough. Bedtime needs to be calm and not rushed.
• Ask yourself: What time does your child actually fall asleep? How long does it take them to get to sleep after they go to bed? The answer to these questions will help you to decide roughly what time you need to get started. For example the routine for a 4 year old child that takes 15-20 minutes to fall asleep around 7.30 pm could look like this:
  
  

  5.30 pm Dinner 
  6.00 pm  Bath/pajamas 
  6.30 pm  Stories/toilet/brush teeth 
  7.00 pm  Bed and songs or prayer 
  7.10 pm   Kiss and goodnight
  7.30 pm   Hopefully asleep

• Take a few minutes to write down what a bed time routine might look like for your family. All families are different. It may take a bit of experimenting to find the routine that best suits your situation
• If your child is old enough you could make a chart of what will happen
• Use a night light or lamp if your child is frightened of being in the dark
• Try to avoid exciting games before bedtime

If your child keeps calling you back because they are hungry/thirsty/itchy/lonely etc let them know you love them, but that this is the last time you will come to the room, say goodnight, and then leave. Remember, you are the boss. If you want to establish a routine then you need to stick to it. Especially in the first few weeks. Children and even babies are very good at sensing if you are serious about bedtime or if a bit of nagging or whining will bend the rules. Here are some examples of routines that have worked for the families below:

Parent Tips

Helena & Joe: parents of Jasmine aged 6
We have a basic routine we started when Alice was a baby and we try to stick to it, although now she is six she seems to be able to handle a few changes now and then. After dinner she has a bath and puts on pajamas, her father or I read two chapters of a book usually on the sofa (this is the hardest bit to stick to as she always wants us to read more!) –then it is teeth, toilet and bed. When she is in bed we put the night light on and sing a couple of songs then kiss her goodnight. We have a little thing we say each night as we close the door “Goodnight, I love you… see you in the morning”.

Jane and Mikel: parents of 4 children aged six, four, two and 10 months
As we now have four little ones and I have mostly been locked away feeding the baby at sleep time, we have set up a roster of activities for each night of the week so that it is easier for us to put the three other children to bed in a calm manner. For example, Wednesday night we draw and the children all have a drawing activity which they do with one parent.  While they are happily involved we take the youngest to bed with a story, then a little while later the next oldest, and then our eldest last.  As we put them into bed,  if they are under four, we sing them a special song, and then when they reach four they get a special verse and then when they reach six they get an additional verse.  They have to wait for these age landmarks and they know that it is a very special time when their turn comes. If they are extra fussy or boisterous, then we light a special angel candle which they take to bed as we sing.

Jen and Rich - parents of 2 girls aged 7 and 5
We have been working on the bed time routine deal for.. oh... about 7.75 years.  Every time we think we've got it all worked out, our daughter enters the next stage without telling us and we are left holding the pieces trying to figure out what is happening.  When our daughter(s) was younger, we would play the same CD every single night at bedtime to help queue up the idea that its time for peace and quiet now.  That wonderful CD is called "On a Starry Night" and I still play it for my girls sometimes for old time's sake!

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.