In some situations you are the best judge of what your child may or may not do.

Asking Permission - Part five

Teach your child the following three parts of asking permission:

1. Go to the person in charge.
2. Ask in the form of a question.
3. Wait for an answer.

Here are a few words of advice:

• Remember to intentionally teach your child how to ask for permission.  You could say, “Jessica, I am going to teach you how to ask permission to do somethings because asking permission is important for staying safe.  First, I want you to go to the person in charge…that’s the adult, like Mommy or Daddy.  Then, ask a question such as ‘May I please have a snack?’ Next, just wait for an answer.  Now let’s practice.”  Remember you will need to repeat these instructions again and again as situations come up.  You want your child to tell them back to you without help…oh yeah, and to do them too.
• Think ahead about when you want your child to ask for permission.  Asking to be excused from the dinner table can begin at an early age.  Other times include: playing with particularly messy toys (like blocks or a train set), having a snack, going outside or off the porch, and watching television.  Establishing routine opportunities for asking permission will reinforce the skill so that it can transfer to other situations later—such as a classroom.
• Give your child a chance to initiate this skill after teaching it.  When she forgets to ask permission, you need to get down at eye-level, establish eye contact, and ask her to tell you the steps for asking permission.  This gentle, respectful intervention takes deliberate effort on your part, so slowly introduce situations for asking permission. (Don’t frustrate yourself or your child with too much at once.)  
• Teaching your child to ask permission is not being controlling.  Obviously, your preschooler will make hundreds of decisions independently each day (that’s why they need that afternoon rest time).  But in certain situations—ones that you deem important—you are the best judge of what your child chooses to do.  As your child becomes older, especially school-age, you will gradually hand more decisions over to him in areas that he has proven to have good judgment.
• Asking permission establishes a structure for authority in your home that ultimately fosters your child’s sense of independence.  That is, as she senses who is in charge, she will develop a sense of security and a positive sense of self in relationship to those she loves and respects.

Source: www.professionalparenting.org

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

My preschooler hates having his hair washed. He loves the bath; but when it comes to hair washing, he cries and wants to get out.

What can we do? Many young children love to take a bath but protest loudly when it’s time to wash their hair. Here are a couple of ideas to make washing hair easier:

• Make sure you use a shampoo of the 'no tears' variety.
• Have your child hold a rolled up wash cloth over his eyes.
• Put some interesting pictures on the ceiling to encourage them to look up for easy rinsing.
• Try using a squeeze bottle filled with water to rinse hair if they are reluctant to lay down.
• Some children feel more comfortable with having their hair rinsed by a hand held shower attachment.
• Use a purpose made rinse guard to protect the face.
• If your child is afraid to have his hair washed, let him wash yours first and make it seem like fun!
• Put a doll with hair (one that can get wet) in the bath and let your child play at washing hair.
• Sing a hair washing song such as 'this is the way we wash your hair' - tell your child hair washing will be over when the song is over.
• Unless they are getting very dirty, don't worry about washing hair everyday. Some children may only need a hair wash once a week.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

The skill of accepting 'No', will teach your child how to deal with being denied.

Accepting "No" - Part four

Teach your child the following three parts to accepting “No” as an answer:

1. Look at the person.
2. Listen quietly.
3. Calmly move on.

Here are a few words of advice:

• I have to admit that I have physically cringed when I realized that I was going to have to tell my daughter “No” about something, especially in public.  Whether she would roll her eyes, stomp her feet, or whine, I just didn’t want to deal with it.  Have you ever decided not to say, “No” because you didn’t want to deal with your child’s reaction?
• As parents and teachers of our children, we have to remember that our children need to be taught how to accept “No”.  Merely saying, “Because I said so” or “Just do it” doesn’t help lay out the way to cope with the stress of being denied.  I am not saying that our children shouldn’t do what we ask; on the contrary, I believe they should—but doing so doesn’t come naturally.
• You have to teach the steps of the skill.  Put them on a sheet of paper on the refrigerator.  Go over them repeatedly—driving to the store, waiting in a line, or at bedtime.  Initially, ask your child to repeat the steps back to you as you say them one at a time.  This will take less than a minute to do.  Later, quiz her on all three steps. After your child can say the steps to accepting “No”, it is especially important to role play what you want your child to do so that the teaching is not just verbal but also involves movement (like it will in real life situations).
• The first step is to establish eye contact between you and your child.  Don’t be afraid to say, “Sarah, I want you to look at me,” when you know that you have to say “No”.  At first, to reinforce the skill, say, “Look at me.  Do you remember the steps for accepting ‘No’”?  Early on ask and help her to repeat the steps back to you.  Of course, she will know what is coming.  However, you are preparing her to respond appropriately.
• Once she is looking at you and listening quietly (step 2), say something simple and clear such as, “The answer is ‘No’.”
• If she starts to overreact, remind her to move on calmly (step 3).
• The steps of the skill do not allow a step for you to give your child a reason.  In the moment, the skill focuses on how to handle a stressful situation, so it needs to remain short and clear.
• Later, if you feel that it is important, you can offer a good reason for why you said, “No.”  (It doesn’t have to be every time.) However, your reason does need to make sense to a small child and should not be drawn out.
• Accepting “No” is a crucial life skill.  Our children’s teachers and, later, bosses will tell them “No.”  The goal in teaching this skill is to help our children learn early how to cope with and appropriately respond to being denied.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Does your young child have temper tantrums? Does it feel like they last forever? Well take heart, you are not alone.

Tantrum behavior can start as young as around your child's first birthday. When tantrums first appear, many parents question what they have done wrong! In fact temper tantrums are a good sign - they show your child is on target developmentally. Children this age need to be able to assert their independence. Sometimes this gets expressed in temper tantrum behavior. Not only is it frightening and frustrating to you, but it is also a little scary for your toddler. Stay calm and offer them a hug when it is over.

What is a tantrum?

Many children show their frustrated feelings by screaming and kicking. Young children become frustrated because they lack the words to say what they are feeling, and therefore, they express their feelings in action e.g. temper tantrums. Tantrums often occur because a child is too tired, over-stimulated, or too stressed. The result is an unplanned outburst of emotion.

What are tantrum triggers for your child?

If your child has a lot of tantrums, it is wise to record a "tantrum diary." Write down what may be triggering the behavioral outbursts that way you can begin to come up with strategies for dealing with them appropriately.
Was your child:

• Tired
• Hungry
• Frustrated or unable to do something
• Being refused something or feeling a sense of loss
• Being rushed
• Trying to be independent
• Over-stimulated
• Disappointed
• Feeling misunderstood
• Eating certain foods e.g. food triggers
• Reacting to parent-stress strategies to stop tantrums happening in the first place

Hopefully, you’ve worked out the triggers that are causing the tantrums, and you and your partner have sat down and discussed some ways of doing things differently. Here are some tips to consider:

• Tired, hungry children are more likely to have behavior issues. Where possible, ensure your child is well fed (for this age group it is a good idea to take snacks and a drinks with you when you go out), and well rested
• Look for early warning signs, then distract or control the situation by offering choices
• Set the stage for success by making activities simple and obtainable
• Know your child’s limits. Challenge them, but try not to set them up for failure
• Give them plenty of praise
• Catch them being good

If you consistently have behavior problems in supermarkets or other places – try to avoid going there with your child.  Or if you must, make the visits short. Make them a helper, or distract them with food, a toy or a story while shopping.

Strategies for dealing with tantrums

You've done your best, but the tantrum still occurs - try some of the following strategies:

• Stay calm (or pretend to!)
• Ignore the behavior if you can – sometimes tantrums stop if there is no audience
• As a parent set clear limits - think about setting up routines and sticking to them. For example -if you want to buy your child a treat every time you go to the store, that's fine, however if you don't, then it is probably best to never buy a treat. Preschoolers find it hard to understand that what is ok one week is not ok for the next.
• Whenever possible, help your child express her feelings in words. "You really wanted mommy to buy that toy didn't you?."
• Remove them immediately if they are hurting themselves, others or property
• Distract them - children of this age can be easily distracted
• Hold them close; and talk calmly and quietly in their ear. Calmly assure them: they are safe, you are in charge and you will not continue what you were doing unless the behavior stops. It may take time for your child to be consoled and back in control, so be patient but do NOT give in to the behavior.
• Tantrums in public can be embarrassing, but if you say NO, then mean it. It is very important to be consistent with your approach. If a child learns that a certain behavior works then they are likely to try that strategy again.

Tantrums are common in 1 – 4 year old children. They decline as children develop more effective ways of dealing with feelings and communicating their needs. Be consistent with your approach in dealing with temper tantrums, and try and have other family members adopt the same methods. Often we feel embarrassed when a child has a tantrum in public, and we are afraid of what people might think. It is important that we don't give in - if we do - then we teach a child that they can get away with things in front of other people. You can reduce tantrums and help your child (and you) to deal with stressful situations by using some simple strategies and sensible planning. Good luck!

Parent Tips

Josie and Phillip: parents of one son aged 4
"Our son usually saves his best dramatic performances for when we are shopping in public. We never take him out when he is tired or hungry and we try and limit the outings to short visits. It helps if we calmly tell him what is happening before we go and what behavior we expect, occasionally we offer a reward if it’s a special event."

Petra and John: parents of two daughters aged 6 and 1
"Our eldest child used to scream and kick when she had a temper tantrum. I would simply scoop her up in my arms, hold her close and leave the room/area. After she had calmed down I would give her a hug even though I was usually seething with anger. I’d explain that I was unhappy with her behavior and that she needed to use her words if she was having unhappy or confusing feelings. Her tantrums were at their worst when she was three and by the time she started school, she was rarely having them."

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

To a large degree, the social emotional needs of gifted children are the same as those of other children.

The same developmental stages occur, though often at a younger age. Some needs and problems, however, appear more often among gifted children.

Types of Problems

It is helpful to think of the needs of gifted children in terms of those that arise because of the interaction with the environmental setting (e.g., family, school etc) and those that arise internally because of the very characteristics of the gifted child.

Several intellectual and personality attributes may characterize gifted children.

• Uneven Development. Motor skills, especially fine-motor, often lag behind cognitive conceptual abilities, particularly in preschool gifted children. These children may see in their "mind's eye" what they want to do, construct, or draw; however, motor skills do not allow them to achieve the goal. Intense frustration and emotional outbursts may result.
• Peer Relations. As preschoolers and in primary grades, gifted children (particularly highly gifted) attempt to organize people and things. Their search for consistency emphasizes "rules," which they attempt to apply to others. They invent complex games and try to organize their playmates, often prompting resentment in their peers.
• Excessive Self-Criticism. The ability to see possibilities and alternatives may imply that youngsters see idealistic images of what they might be, at the same time they may put themselves down because they see how they are falling short of an ideal.
• Perfectionism. The ability to see how one might ideally perform, combined with emotional intensity, leads many gifted children to unrealistically high expectations of themselves. In high ability children, perhaps 15-20% may be hindered significantly by perfectionism at some point in their academic careers, and even later in life.
• Avoidance of Risk-Taking. In the same way the gifted youngsters see the possibilities, they also see potential problems in undertaking those activities. Avoidance of potential problems can mean avoidance of risk-taking, and may result in underachievement.
• Multipotentiality. Gifted children often have several advanced capabilities and may be involved in diverse activities to an almost frantic degree. Though seldom a problem for the child, this may create problems for the family, as well as confusion when decisions must be made about career selection.
• Gifted Children with Disabilities. Physical disabilities can prompt social and emotional difficulties. Intellect may be high, but motor difficulties such as cerebral palsy may prevent expression of potential. Visual or hearing impairment or a learning disability may cause frustration. Gifted children with disabilities tend to evaluate themselves more on what they are unable to do than on their substantial abilities.

External Problems

A lack of understanding or support for gifted children, and sometimes actual ambivalence or hostility, creates significant problems.

Some common problem patterns are:

• School Culture and Norms. Gifted children, by definition, are "unusual" when compared with same-age children--at least in cognitive abilities--and require different educational experiences. Schools, however, generally group children by age. The child often has a dilemma--conform to the expectations for the average child or be seen as nonconformist.
• Expectations by Others. Gifted children--particularly the more creative--do not conform. Nonconformists violate or challenge traditions, rituals, roles, or expectations. Such behaviors often prompt discomfort in others. The gifted child, sensitive to others' discomfort, may then try to hide abilities.
• Peer Relations. Who is a peer for a gifted child? Gifted children need several peer groups because their interests are so varied. Their advanced levels of ability may steer them toward older children. They may replace peers by reading books. Such children are often thought of as "loners." The conflict between fitting in and being an individual may be quite stressful.
• Depression. Depression is usually being angry at oneself or at a situation over which one has little or no control. In some families, continual evaluation and criticism of performance--one's own and others--is a tradition. Any natural tendency to self-evaluate likely will be inflated. Depression and academic underachievement may be increased. Sometimes educational misplacement causes the gifted youngster to feel caught in a slow motion world. Depression may result because the child feels caught in an unchangeable situation.
• Family Relations. Families particularly influence the development of social and emotional competence. When problems occur, it is not because parents consciously decide to create difficulties for gifted children. It is because parents lack information about gifted children, or lack support for appropriate parenting, or are attempting to cope with their own unresolved problems (which may stem from their experiences with being gifted).

Preventing Problems

• Support for Parents. Parents are particularly important in preventing social or emotional problems. Teaching, no matter how excellent or supportive, can seldom counteract inappropriate parenting. Supportive family environments, on the other hand, can counteract unhappy school experiences. Parents need information if they are to nurture well and to be wise advocates for their children.
• Focus on Parents of Young Children. Problems are best prevented by involving parents when children are young. Parents particularly must understand characteristics that may make gifted children seem different or difficult.
• Educate and Involve Health-Care and Other Professionals. Efforts should be made to involve such professionals in state and local meetings and in continuing education programs concerning gifted children. Pediatricians, psychologists, and other caregivers such as day-care providers typically have received little training about gifted children, and therefore can provide little assistance to parents .
• Use Educational Flexibility. Gifted children require different and more flexible educational experiences. When the children come from multicultural or low-income families, educational flexibility and reaching out may be particularly necessary. Seven flexibly paced educational options, relatively easy to implement in most school settings are: early entrance; grade skipping; advanced level courses; compacted courses; continuous progress in the regular classroom; concurrent enrollment in advanced classes; and credit by examination. These options are based on competence and demonstrated ability, rather than on arbitrary age groupings.
• Establish Parent Discussion Groups. Parents of gifted children typically have few opportunities to talk with other parents of gifted children. Discussion groups provide opportunities to "swap parenting recipes" and child-rearing experiences. Such experiences provide perspective as well as specific information .

Author: Webb, James T.
Source: ERIC Clearinghouse on Disabilities and Gifted Education Reston VA.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Here are some clear guidelines for teaching your child to follow instructions.

Following Instructions, Part Three

The first core skill is “Following Instructions.”  Teach your child the following three parts to following instructions:
1.    Look at the person.
2.    Acknowledge the instruction, say “OK.”
3.    Do it right away.

The following guidelines should help you get started:

• Be clear with your child about what you are doing.  You might say, “Cassie, I am going teach you about how to follow instructions.  I have three steps to remember, listen because I want you to say them back to me.”
• Once he or she can say them to you in order, start to practice.  Ask your child to look at you (asking for eye contact) and then ask her to do something simple.  Wait for her to respond with “OK,” and watch her go off to do it (right away).  
• If she forgets a step, prompt her with the right words and go on.  This can be fun.  Ask her to get your slippers and put one on your head.
• Later when a real-life situation arises that requires your child to follow instructions, before giving the instruction, ask your child if he remembers the steps of following instructions.  Review, if needed.
• Two things to keep in mind regarding eye contact.  In order to have eye contact when giving instructions, you need to be in the same room with your child.  (Obvious, I know.) The days of yelling from another room are over.  Also, you will need to think twice before giving instructions.  Be sure that you really need her to do the task before giving the instructions.  Too many instructions (unnecessary ones) can be counterproductive.
• Acknowledging with an “Okay” assures you that your child has heard you.
• Doing the task right away, avoids the child not obeying because they forgot the request.
• While you are instilling this core skill, you do not need to think about consequences.  The assumption is that your child needs ample practice recalling and doing the skill.  Simply having her recall the steps to you out loud is a sufficient consequence in the beginning.
• After lots of instruction, you may feel that your child is acting out of defiance.  At this point, you need to start collecting ideas from friends and professionals about logical consequences.  (Accepting those consequences is the fourth skill.)

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

You need to instill a habit of establishing eye contact with your child before moving into the four core skills.

Where do I start? Part two

As you will see in the four following tips on teaching core skills, the first step in three out of four of the key skills is, “Look at the person.”  You need to instill a habit of establishing eye contact with your child before moving into the four core skills.  If your young child has not yet created a habit of looking you in the eyes while talking, here are a few suggestions:

• Begin by looking for small opportunities to catch your child’s eye and then simply smile and/or say something that your child would love to hear like, “You have such pretty eyes,” or “I like it when you look in my eyes.”
• Starting with brief glances at first is great.  You may need to get used to eye contact yourself.
• Try having a staring contest.  Making a game and being playful creates positive associations with eye contact and makes later teaching easier.  Plus you can teach the cue, “Sweetie, look at my eyes.”
• Once you have a few successes and a level of comfort, start asking your child to look at you when you have something important, hopefully positive, to tell him or her.  It might sound like this, “Sarah, I want you to look at mommy in the eyes. (Pause) Good job.  You did a good job on the potty today.”  A warm hand on the arm or shoulder would be a nice affirmation too.

For children and adults, open and honest communication begins with eye contact.  I believe that being intentional about teaching eye contact will make the challenge of parent-as-teacher more rewarding.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

This article is the introduction in a series of six parts that suggests four core skills to teach your young child.

An introduction to disciplining your prechooler - part one

You have most likely heard that the word “disciple” actually refers to teaching, not only giving a consequence.  But after hearing that have you ever wondered, “What exactly am I supposed to be teaching my child?”

This article will cover four skills:  Following Instructions, Accepting No, Asking Permission, and Accepting Consequences.  However, before launching into the skills, I will give some pointers for creating a habit of eye contact when teaching your child (Part Two).  In teaching these skills to your child, you will give her clear guidelines for living peacefully as well as a sense of security from knowing exactly what you expect.  

If you carefully consider most of the misbehavior in your home, you will be able to link them to one of these four core skills.  Patience is definitely needed.  You may need to reinforce each skill hundreds (really) of times.  But once you know that your child is acting out in defiance, not ignorance of, a home standard, you will be able to decide with clarity when to give an appropriate, logical consequence.

In addition to patience, you need your support network.  Share the steps of the core skills with other people who are significant in your child’s daily life.  As with so many things, consistency pays off.

I encourage you to start small and work toward completing all the skills over a long period of time.  You will find that some skills take hold quicker than others.  My daughter has never had a problem asking for permission…accepting a consequence is another story.

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.

Do your children drive you crazy at bedtime? Does it feel like forever before they settle down and go to sleep?

About Routines

• Families function at their best when there are predictable routines in their day to day lives. For example, if bedtime routine always consists of bath time, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, stories, then bed, - children will learn that “this is what happens in our family” and will be less likely to resist.
• Routines also help children to feel safe and to understand the behavior expected. Babies and young children are learning new things everyday. It is comforting for them to have times in their day when they know what is going to happen.
• Routines also make life easier for you  - if everyone knows what to do there will be less nagging and reminding and hopefully less complaining and pushing of boundaries.

Setting up a bed time routine?

Here are some tips for establishing a bed time routine that works for your family.

• Look at what you would include in a bedtime routine and make sure you are getting started early enough. Bedtime needs to be calm and not rushed.
• Ask yourself: What time does your child actually fall asleep? How long does it take them to get to sleep after they go to bed? The answer to these questions will help you to decide roughly what time you need to get started. For example the routine for a 4 year old child that takes 15-20 minutes to fall asleep around 7.30 pm could look like this:
  
  

  5.30 pm Dinner 
  6.00 pm  Bath/pajamas 
  6.30 pm  Stories/toilet/brush teeth 
  7.00 pm  Bed and songs or prayer 
  7.10 pm   Kiss and goodnight
  7.30 pm   Hopefully asleep

• Take a few minutes to write down what a bed time routine might look like for your family. All families are different. It may take a bit of experimenting to find the routine that best suits your situation
• If your child is old enough you could make a chart of what will happen
• Use a night light or lamp if your child is frightened of being in the dark
• Try to avoid exciting games before bedtime

If your child keeps calling you back because they are hungry/thirsty/itchy/lonely etc let them know you love them, but that this is the last time you will come to the room, say goodnight, and then leave. Remember, you are the boss. If you want to establish a routine then you need to stick to it. Especially in the first few weeks. Children and even babies are very good at sensing if you are serious about bedtime or if a bit of nagging or whining will bend the rules. Here are some examples of routines that have worked for the families below:

Parent Tips

Helena & Joe: parents of Jasmine aged 6
We have a basic routine we started when Alice was a baby and we try to stick to it, although now she is six she seems to be able to handle a few changes now and then. After dinner she has a bath and puts on pajamas, her father or I read two chapters of a book usually on the sofa (this is the hardest bit to stick to as she always wants us to read more!) –then it is teeth, toilet and bed. When she is in bed we put the night light on and sing a couple of songs then kiss her goodnight. We have a little thing we say each night as we close the door “Goodnight, I love you… see you in the morning”.

Jane and Mikel: parents of 4 children aged six, four, two and 10 months
As we now have four little ones and I have mostly been locked away feeding the baby at sleep time, we have set up a roster of activities for each night of the week so that it is easier for us to put the three other children to bed in a calm manner. For example, Wednesday night we draw and the children all have a drawing activity which they do with one parent.  While they are happily involved we take the youngest to bed with a story, then a little while later the next oldest, and then our eldest last.  As we put them into bed,  if they are under four, we sing them a special song, and then when they reach four they get a special verse and then when they reach six they get an additional verse.  They have to wait for these age landmarks and they know that it is a very special time when their turn comes. If they are extra fussy or boisterous, then we light a special angel candle which they take to bed as we sing.

Jen and Rich - parents of 2 girls aged 7 and 5
We have been working on the bed time routine deal for.. oh... about 7.75 years.  Every time we think we've got it all worked out, our daughter enters the next stage without telling us and we are left holding the pieces trying to figure out what is happening.  When our daughter(s) was younger, we would play the same CD every single night at bedtime to help queue up the idea that its time for peace and quiet now.  That wonderful CD is called "On a Starry Night" and I still play it for my girls sometimes for old time's sake!

These great tips and more are from the highly acclaimed book The Triumphant Child - A practical guide to raising 2, 3 and year olds.